| dewy decimal |
2005-01-25 - 2:36 p.m.
Before the assumptions start taking lives of their own, I'm going to tell you how Brandon and I broke up. Not that it's any of anyone's business.
The night before while Mirah was singing We're Both So Sorry, I knew that I was crying but without the physical tears. (I think I have a broken gland.) Kneeling next to Astra, I could feel the both of us being moved as the fuzzy red lights moved over Mirah's face as she sang. I understood then that Brandon and I had run our course. I was tired but took the last bit of strength in me (which I imagined, for some reason, to be resting in my liver) and transformed it into courage in the same way that oil is frequently converted into energy.
The next night Brandon said that he wanted to attend the second show and I said that I would meet him there. I felt a combination of sad and crazy which I guess could be called dread.
Before Astra and I got there, Astra told me to be strong and reminded me that I was doing the right thing and I said that it's funny how sometimes 'the right thing' can feel really weird and wrong. Astra was quiet for a little while and then sympathetically said, "You can do it."
When we got inside Brandon was already there and he is all smiles when he sees me. "Come here lover boy!" he says. He gives me hugs and rubs my back. He says other things like, "You are so adorable Dusty," and "I'm so happy to see you." I'm feeling many things at that point and I look to Astra for some facial expression that can direct me so that things won't seem so complicated.
All night long he clings to me and kisses me on my shoulders and rubs my sides and I start feeling like my style is being cramped, which is so fucked up and is really a symptom of why it is that we need to break up.
The Blow starts playing and I get up to watch her when I see Lisa who is also friends with Brandon. I tell Lisa that I'm going to break up with Brandon and she says that she thought that I already did. Lisa is a very sweet and considerate person so she tells me that it doesn't sound like a good idea. I ask why. Lisa says that doing it here, tonight, kind of seems like a setup. The music was very loud so I had to yell to Lisa, "Is it mean!?"
Lisa said, "It seems a little cold."
And I say, "Cold?" and Lisa nodded.
Then I moved over to Astra who is at the front because she is little and cannot see over all the tall hipsters with their large hair-dos and tell her what Lisa said and when we look back at Lisa, she is giving me the meanest stink eye I have ever witnessed her wear.
So I start thinking to myself about how Lisa is a very sensitive and kind person and she might be right so I decide not to tell Brandon tonight which worries me because I've already started to tap into my small reserve of energy/courage and was worried that I may not have enough for tomorrow, then I won't break up with him and we will be still together and I will feel bad.
When I get back to the table and sit, Brandon immediately starts kissing my shoulders and hugging me and telling me about the scary movie he wants to take me to even though he knows that I am a scaredy-cat and don't like scary movies. All the girls at our table are laughing at us because Brandon is so animated and in love with me and unlike anyone else in the bar.
Right before Mirah goes on Brandon says that he''s leaving to meet Dan and Christina at Fusions and I say, "okay." And at that moment I realize that all the times that Brandon said he really really liked Mirah he was only saying it to show me that we had something in common and that we were starting to gain what I like to call 'overlap.' But that is not true because if someone really did like Mirah why would they pay ten bucks to get into her show then leave right before she goes on just so that they can go to a gay bar that is open 365 days of the year. But this didn't make me mad, it just confirmed a suspicion.
As we headed for the car, I asked Brandon if he'd like to have dinner with me the next night (Sunday). Since I thought Lisa may have been right, I thought it would be more considerate to break up in a more private setting although I didn't quite see how it would seem like any less of a setup or how it wouldn't demand a degree of 'coldness'.
"Sure, honey! I'd love to!" he said.
And I said, "great."
Then everything changed when he asked if everything was okay and I told him that, no, everything was not really that okay, because I cannot lie to someone I love and care about.
Of course he started to cry and his little body heaved and I felt horrible but I still had enough courage to stand my ground. We talked and talked and he said that I broke his heart and that he hoped that he had not caused me too much grief and asked if we still had a chance in the future. I thought about this for a second and knew that anything can happen and was about to say, 'sure', when he said that he hoped that we would be able to get back together on a later date, which made me say, "Then, no, there can be no chance of that."
He cried more and more and suddenly about 15 cops surrounded the block that we were on. Cops ran past us into the Mercury Lounge and Club Pauahi. In my mind I dared them to tell us to stop loitering so that I could say something like, "We're going through something very difficult right now if you don't mind." But they just watched us for the most part, wondering why this poor Mexican kid was crying so hard on the curb.
Brandon talked some more but at that point it had been things that I'd already heard from him. I felt really, really sad and horrible but, as I've said, I could not shed a tear because the gland that produces tears doesn't work for me. If it did I would have probably been crying like a baby too.
Soon the cops start joking with each other and get to be so loud that we walk to Brandon's car and sit inside of it in silence.
I see Matt Ratt walking by and I pretend like I'm invisible. Then Brandon collapses into me and I hold him and he tells me that he's so sorry and that he'll miss me and I'm pretty much thinking the same thing. Then he says that he's sorry that I missed Mirah but I tell him that it wouldn't have felt right to be in there anyhow and that I'd seen her at 39 Hotel Street, where the acoustics for her acoustic sound was probably better anyways.
When I say that I have to leave he asks if he can give me one last kiss and I say 'ok', and it's quick and soft and sweet and very, very sad. Thn he takes of one of his rings because he wears like twelve at a time and hands it to me. The ring has the swelling pattern of the ocean's wave and crest and he says, "I want you to have this," in a really stuffy voice because he'd been crying for the past forty-five minutes. "It was my first ring."
And I say,"No Brandon-"
"Pleae just take it Dustin. I'd like you to have it." So I take it and leave his car without saying "goodbye" or "take care," because that would be corny and would trivialize what had just transpired.
Walking back to Pauahi I spot Astra and I tell her about what just went down and I can almost feel my eyes welling but I know that it can't be true.
"Wow, Lisa was giving you the stinkest eye," Astra says.
Then I tell her that at first it kind of hurt my feelings but then I thought about the kind of person Lisa is and then I felt love and gratitude for Lisa who will be the kind of friend to Brandon that he needs right now.
I'd always suspected certain people would befriend him to get closer to me and worried that when we broke up that they would no longer be there for him. I was glad that Lisa would defend him even though I don't think that anyone can really criticize my relationship with Brandon because they have not gone through the things I have and therefore cannot judge any of my intentions.
But before I went to sleep that night I said a little prayer for Brandon and for me, even though I never pray because sometimes I think that if you pray too much you lose a little will power and your prayers won't mean as much because Bembu thinks you talk way too much. Bembu is what I call God because the name for me is genderless, abstract and not Western. And above all else, Bembu thrives in the imagination.