| dewy decimal |
2004-05-03 - 5:09 a.m.
I don't know if it's me, or the world I'm living in, but the world seems dull, and by the world, I mean the colors, the way people interact, everything. I feel like I'm in limbo although I've been having really intense nightmares about bath-houses smeared in shit and rot where these sex-addicted men are forced to wander the stalls and showers, corpses fucking corpes. Doomed like ghosts except that they exist physically. Men are skewered by poles, covered in shit, dead bodies drape high walls. Cadavers fucking cadavers.
One of my biggest wishes is to never have to dream again. My nightmares are so frequent and atrocious that sometimes I feel like they are affecting my waking hours.
3 years ago I told my shrink that I have nightmares almost every night. She gave me some advice that just told me she didn't have a fucking clue of who I was and although I know that I don't have a real clue myself, I knew that she was so wrong when she put me on Paxil.
I hate to write about these things that I'd rather forget. I'd rather let them wash away with the events of the day but I've tried that and the dreams don't go anywhere, I just find myself in them night after night and I start wondering if they are a result of some lingering guilt of being gay. That's why you're reading this, because I have to deal with it in some way because sleep is the minds most freest way of thinking and if these horrific scenarios keep writing themselves in the night then what does that have to say about me?