| dewy decimal |
2004-06-20 - 12:03 p.m.
How can I sit here and tell you not to do drugs? Really? How can I say that when I have done almost every drug that I could possibly have gotten my hands on?
I will not tell you to not do drugs.
I will tell you though that most of the time I am in a fog. A hazy, eerie fog that disarms me. I experience irrational bouts of depression, apathy, loneliness and anxiety. I can tell you that there are lines that I have crossed that I cannot return to or from. I can tell you that years have been lost to me under the premise of "living it up while I'm young."
I assume that if you took a cat scan of my brain that it would probably have gaping holes in it and probably looks like it belongs to a 45 year old man.
I cannot tell you that I would change anything.
I cannot tell you that I am a better person because of my indiscretions.
I can tell you, though, that when I was younger there were times where I felt invincible and nothing could touch me. There were moments where I assumed that all of my human faculties and virility would carry me on through life.
I can also tell you that this is, for the most part, a lie that I probably fabricated out of my own convenience.
I may have once thought that I didn't have a desire to become old and watch my life wind down into a quiet cul-de-sac and that I'd rather die in a brilliant, reckless snap*crackle*pop than watch my life peter out like an old, obsolete appliance sizzling on its last fuse.
But now I'm not so sure of anything and nowadays, when I have the time, I'll take a short 5 minute walk to the bus stop bench on Aiea Heights Drive just above my street and have a seat. I spend the time watching the clouds grazing over mountain ranges, enjoying the falling leaves pour meaninglessly down after an unexpected breeze.
And I'm certainly not telling you any of this to make you feel one way or another about anything. But simply to inform you of things that I have learned in retrospect which I currently find amusing.