dewy decimal

2003-11-26 - 4:17 a.m.

I'm in a horrible mood. Wrinkled. Ruined. I've gotten into this rut where I constantly harbor this feeling of betrayal. I've shut the world out, with a cheap christmas tin of stale caramel popcorn and a gallon of milk at hand. The drapes are drawn and I've set up a bunker of comforters and pillows around my bed and I'm huffing and puffing like a time-out brat. The ink on my tablets are running like a widow's mascara. Everything that should be white is electric turquoise. Everything that should be black instead is red.

And I keep thinking about Shari and how much I miss her and how much she has let me down and I'm thinking about the Belle and Sebastian song I'm a Cuckoo and how the lyrics go,

When you were lonely

I was there when you were sad

I was there when you were bad

Now it's my time of need

I'm thiking, do I have to plead to get you by my side?"

and then I have to change the song because there's a light-hearted implication that is trivializing my frustration. And it's not just Shari but the lot of my friends who I am always at bay for, who are gone at their earliest convenience.

Went to see Party Monster with Everett and Astra. It was okay but it left me feeling really fierce and not-givafuck-ish. Tonight is all about early 90's Comme des Gar�ons and hair gel. Tall boots and a "fuck you" faggot march in the grass. Cheetahs on the knoll. My bloody nose in your bloody face. A laugh that says i could give a fuck about investments. The crashing sound of me saying that I have been very wrong. And a dismissive scoff that says I'll be wrong again.

slip - step